Dear Pharaoh #11 - Ubers, love, your mother and selflessness, a journey for a warrior
Provide and put your family first
Dear Pharaoh,
I am currently on my way to pick you up in a Uber, I still got the “big car” that you like to say but over the last few days/weeks, I don’t really care to drive. Just like when I first got the Benz C Class Coupe, fresh ting, and I didn’t like it - the way people started to treat me - it’s the same way I haven’t like this car now…
On our vision board, your mother and I had mad plans, the house, cars and everything. How we were going to raise you to be an ‘international citizen’, speaking multiple languages and just core skills that we learnt would be an advantage on our journey thus far. Your mother was literally the female version of me. The puzzle fit perfectly. She grew up in the ends, parents did good at raising her and her older brother - your uncle N - and she went to a lovely Christian/grammar school. We would talk about the dynamics and the change in places and faces and she just understood me, you know?
‘What’s known does not need to be explain’ or ‘Real recognises real’
Your mother saw things, lived things, made her mistakes on her journey and became who she became. All I saw was a woman. She had this level of ‘brave’ that told me that she fought her way into that mind state. I instantly wanted to protect her, provide for her and give her a safe space. Within the first 11 weeks of our ‘talking stage’, she was practically living with me. I got fired from Bestbuy for being a real g lol. Nah I was combative in a one to one meeting and they did not know how to ‘handle’ me so they fired me. Bad management skills really because she asked me “did you fill in your assessment form” and I said, “you were meant to assess me…”. Long story short, all the managers loved me, so they just left me to do whatever I wanted to do and they didn’t nurture me as they did with everyone else - I fell between the cracks - and as soon as they realise that they didn’t ‘train me’ - in a tick box way - they didn’t take accountability.
It was funny because when I came out of the one to one that turned into 3 managers vs me and they ‘let me go’ on the spot, I walked out, grabbed my stuff and told everyone I had to leave. The whole team, I’m talking 35+ employees were backing me. Your mother was working there still and was telling me how members of the team were petitioning for me to come back and some people even threatened to leave. I was pleased with the gesture but being ‘fired’ was the best thing that happened to me. I got my first paycheque after 6 weeks of jumping trains and hardly eating and I just hustle to get interior design meets, I was ‘shotting’ designs. Even though I was not a ‘road man’ per se, I have and will always have a ‘road man’s mind’. I was distributing designs “you want it? I got it… you need a logo my nigga? Aite calm.. £100”.
To tell you the truth, if I didn’t get fired from Bestbuy I doubt your mother and I would have made it through. Going from living by myself to a woman living in my space, to then working together every day? I would have probably done something to mess that up and ‘push’ her away. Anyways… Your mother was shooting in the gym with me. When I was up 3-4 am on Skype with clients around the world banging out work, she would be in the bed reading and staying up with me. Making me tea, making sure I was ok and just there for me mentally, you know? I looked over and made a promise to myself that once this all banged off I am literally going to give her the world. We moved out of that house and got an apartment… Bestbuy came into the UK market far too aggressively and folded. The store that we all fixed up, built shelves for, had to close their doors. Your mother said fuck it, got her redundancy pay and just headed for the corporate world… What I didn’t tell you was that I did fuck up. I and your mother did break up and like in typical woman fashion, she went beast mode and got an internship at one of the BADDEST advertising companies in the world.
We got back together after I took accountability for the role I played in what led us to break up and she moved back in with me.
After her internship she was in the trenches, I was working for a tech brand in brand management, had my main ArchVis agency and I was working as head of digital & business development for a music studio called the ApexHouse - I told you, the hustle was 24/7, 365. Your mother moved out of London to be with me but her new workplace was a brands insights agency that only paid her an interns wage. She was working full-time but was getting less than £600 per month and the travel from ours was £455. So after her commute, food and makeup and bits, she had no finances left, and I couldn’t allow that from stopping her from being who she needed to be. So I called up my accountant- at the time - and put her on salary. She now had a good wage and I could see she was more comfortable but she had that same battle as me. ‘Being black’ in a corporate space. Listen, being black and a woman, is twice the battle and your mother was a warrior but ohhh boy did she have her bad days. I made sure that she got the mental support she needed from me but she started to smoke along the way.
She picked up a bad habit, and she hated it, I saw the battle, and me being asthmatic I felt it hit her more, knowing that the smoke was affecting me. I wanted her to be and feel free. So I calculated what we were spending on train and commute times and bought her, her first ‘independent’ car. I told her to take out a loan of X, to help build her credit score - she read my blogs - and I just paid for the monthly every month. We used that money to get her, her own car and she was on the roads mate. I sensed that a pressure was released from her that day.
I remember meeting one guy when I was brand managing and he said to me “do you want to know the secret of how to keep a woman happy?” I said “What is the secret to keeping a woman happy?” he replied, “get her what she needs first and then no matter what you get for yourself after, they will still appreciate”. I took that as gospel. Before I bought your mother the ‘big car’, I got her another car. I got rid of my car along the way but she got everything at least TWICE before I got something for myself. This is now me with you - I bought you two watches before I got myself one but that’s another ‘small transfer of wealth’ story.
I, now, drive the ‘big car’ like you like to say but actually I love and hate it even more. The car was on the vision board and when I was going to get it for her as a second car, she said “no baby, let’s wait…”, she was like “we’re not ready for The Range, let’s think about our future”. I was like “what? You don’t want that bad boy Range” and she was like “No”. It made me love her every more. Anyways… I spent the last 3 years driving the Range that I got for you and her, I’ve been ‘humble’ for a minute but people have a different success marker. I have this mental state that I rather look bummy, wearing the same type of clothes every day, just to make sure you and your mother was looking and dressing proper. She had faith in me and that faith gave me fuel to be who I needed to be and in that same breath I invested in her and she flourished to be someone you would have truly adored. I was heartbroken the day she died, obviously for me but for you even more… Like man… my son would never truly get to meet his mother, this badass female warrior. To tell you the truth, I was slyly shook of her. Scared to lose her. If she didn’t like something I said it was up in my face and foreheads together type war. She never backed down to a good fight, and there was a few times I saw her weigh in a girl outside - long story short, she tucked in a babe for saying something rude to me and I had to tuck in her Mr, for trying to the grab her and that’s when I knew she was a ride or die lol.
It’s funny because I just picked you up in the Uber, you’re sitting right behind me as I type this and the first thing you said “daddy, where’s the BIG car” and I said, “it’s at home son, it’s at home”.
Even though I felt your mother was meant for me like I knew that in my bones, I feel like she came here - to earth - and completed her purpose…
She also made me ‘feel’, her warrior-like ways, battered at the doors of my heart and gave me feel less numb, and then, to top it off she gifted me you, my son. She literally gave me a heart. I don’t believe God would have gifted me a daughter just yet because God knew I wouldn’t want to raise a daughter in a world filled with pain and a son like you would make me strong but emotionally softer. I will do twice for you as I did for your mother before anything touches me.
Becoming a man and being a man are two separate things but ‘love’ on your journey of ‘chaos’ will create purpose and give you the power you need to go on.
As I wrote the last two paragraphs above, tears were running down my face and you looked at me and smiled and it did wonders. Open yourself up to love, you may feel the most amount of pain but it’s a chance we have to take, to make us… okay? Fall in love my son, it’s great.
Love dad x
By the way this one got me and is so important for our future King, Pharaoh.
Thanks for sharing this ❤️