Dear Pharaoh #6 - Fear no man because man are not Gods but I fear me.
What it is to be a man, my son.
Dear Pharaoh,
I write this with a heavy heart. I am angry that out of the 33 years of my life, I actually got to the point of judging someone. I actually thought about it, made a stance about it and said to myself, in my heart, that this person is a ‘so & so’.
I am in pain! I am in pain because this same person, I respected, I let them into my world and gave them the keys to drive value and/or benefit and all they did was constantly fail and fail and fail… Now… There is nothing wrong with failure. It’s actually one of the best parts of the building and achieving success but this person actually admitted to defeat. They just gave up. They broke themselves trying to keep up with performative actions and surface levels deeds but deep down they lacked the self-awareness to be who they are performing to be.
A man with no self-awareness is not a man, he is a boy, a boy with no sense of urgency, he is weak.
As I raise you, I have to reaffirm to you what a MAN is. Not only by leading by an example but breaking down the premise and foundations of his role and lead.
First of all, a MAN is a servant to his family. He is the foundation, the ground is his backbone in order for his family to walk, dig heels and leap. A man is the map, the execution, the hunter, the walls of the house and the roof to protect you from the heat. No matter the weather, rain, snow or tornado, he must draw bravery from his family to go out and make ends meet.
A man is therefore the absorber of all, the slave to the masters, in order for them to flourish and be, and if a man has a son, he will take his son under his wing and teach him to act in servitude to the families’ needs.
I think back to when my father told me that at 28, I am not a man until I have a wife and child to look after. I didn’t understand this then but at 33, I’ve replayed this interaction a million times and whilst writing this, reaffirmed what he means.
Before you, I put your mother on my shoulders, in her social circle she was an Alpha. Strong, powerful with claws to match but I saw areas of weak. I put her on my shoulders and from the age of 22, I just ran and ran and delivered all her needs. Her safety, her protection and in turn she guided me. I didn’t feel like a man until the day you were born. You came out RIPPED, body fat minimal, long head of hair, fingernails sharp and your scrotum fully descended.
You were a C-section baby - the way you were positioned you could never have been a natural birth but I’ll leave that story for another time - and when you came out and I cut the cord, both the Dr and I looked at your manhood and she was in shock. I looked at your manhood and I was like “that’s my boy”… Packing! LOL.
Since that day I destroyed myself to make sure the life you and your mother lived would not be blocked by me, but in order to keep her trust, at points I slowed down and passively took lead. I allowed her to make the decisions of how we would ‘pace’ our life. I bought all the resources she controlled the speed. She was the strategic lead and you were that little ball of joy that made it easier and easier for me.
A man’s mental health should only be talked to with other men who matches his calibre. If you know me, I do not judge people but I understand ‘natural section’. I can not and will not take advice or find solace in another man that performs less in the arena than me.
I will also never ask to be a Mentee to someone, all my ‘mentors’ across the years, picked me and if I accepted the challenge I agreed. All the women I have ever committed to ‘picked me’ and based on how well they handled themselves with all my raw uncut self, depended on if I allowed them to ‘tame’ me. I am uncontrollable, unemployable and at times so focused that I can be unreasonable.
Do NOT be performative but prove to me, why me a man with all my traumas, experiences and travels should heed, to you, a woman, of only beauty? Oh please.
TODAY, I AM BEATING MY FUCKING CHEST!!. Not many men hold the same heart as me, this same heart that I will give to you, bruised, scarred that beats with a leather coat. This heart that you will inherit by proximity and tutelage of me.
By design, I encompass what a man is supposed to be and this is not me being cocky because I have done my 12 labours of Heracles, fought through hell and held the world and beat the beast, this is a fact. And if you have been in my presence, my energy alone speaks for me. I am not an alpha but before your mother I was one, I left that social hierarchy to explore, met your mother and became an alpha once more - as an exit. I am a sigma. Once a wolf turned beast. A creature that is awake at night and sits on the edge of lunacy.
I am upset, that someone I misjudged, led me to judge, then with their lack of awareness, decided to play hero and provide a service to a community of people, that look, feel and grew up like me. But, doesn’t have the real decency to understand that all they are doing is creating hope to a set of people, with no real follow-through and value, but a disservice to a ‘story’ “that sounds cool”.
How dare you try to represent - the essence of me - without having the fortitude of being half a person of the people - that go through what they go through - and speak no real sense of urgency. You will not take fragments of my people’s pain and redistribute it back to the community for profit without caring enough to develop yourself well enough to meet their needs - you will not be a face of my story, you will not and can not represent what it is to be me. You sir are not a man, like the men that died for their families needs.
I am on a mission in fixing a system that was never designed for us but in collaboration will liberate all that feels what we feel - socially.
Pharaoh, I write these blogs for you. If they are addressed to you, they are written for only your eyes to see but if anyone else wants to take a gander, I care not. It makes no real difference to the mission I am on and it can never take away from me.
I can never fear a man, for he is not God and I looked inside and all I fear is me - you will understand this one day.
Love dad x