Dear Pharaoh,
I just watched the movie Ready Player One and the kid inside of me came alive. I was excited! A warmth of happiness overwhelmed me. I saw my childhood, on a big screen Android smart TV. I was laid back on a fine Italian red leather sofa; whilst having my feet firmly planted, on underground heated - dark brown - wooden handcrafted floors… Behind me, a £1,000 banana wood puzzle positioned shelf, with high fashion books, next to a triple black L shaped - bespoke glass - desk, with a mahogany black leather seated chair, I hardly use.
I describe this because whilst I was reliving my childhood, whilst watching this movie, and felt the glow of happiness, all I thought about was the council estate I grew up on - surrounded by gang culture and bad things we never knew were bad things to do. I rang your uncle Ricardo - my cousin. Who is roughly 24 days older than me and said:
“How were we bad youts but didn’t know we were bad youts? If it wasn’t for your yard, the N64 and all the anime we used to watch we would’ve been another statistic”
He laughed and replied:
Ricardo: “no cuz, that’s the thing, we didn’t know it but we had a certain level of intelligence, we knew when to leave and not do what the others did you know?”.
He went on to say:
Ricardo: “And that’s the thing with life, looking back we didn’t even know we were living in poverty, it’s not until we made it out, that we can look back and have these types of conversations now”.
We were blessed to make it down the route we made it down. Many of us didn’t make it out alive, and the maddest thing is, our ends wasn’t even the worse, our estate was a community - everyone knew everyone. Parents knew parents, we had street parties, took trips like go-karting with the youth club. We all looked out for each other, they were no real ‘beef’ amongst the community, inside the walls of the estate.
If you saw the estate, it was designed like a prison, one way in and one way out. I mean unless you went to the back, and there was a bridge with a small river stream that passed through where your uncle and I would jump down onto the river bank and chill out and vibes.
Down to the left side of the riverbank, was a football pen - the cages - high blue metal gates that were at least a story high. The football pen had a blue metal goal on either side, with a basketball hoop attached to the court. We used to play ball with all the oldest there, from the morning, noon and night. And sometimes there were fouls and the fouls came with fights but we all respected each other and made back up. We had war with the outside though but that’s another story.
These cages sound great right? I, aged 5 and up would go out with my older brothers and I’d climb and climb, and climbed. I attached some of my greatest moments to these cages. Until… Well, until after I moved out the ends and a couple of years later, your uncle, my younger stepbrother, was stabbed 6 times and died inside.
I remember receiving the news, my bigger cuzzie rang me, whilst I was sitting on a black L shaped desk I bought from IKEA, whilst thinking I was the ‘happiness’ I have ever been in life, in our new apartment, with your mother singing in the kitchen. My phone rang… I saw his name and for my bigger cuzzie Mesh, I always had time.
Me “yo cuz, what’s good”
He was cold and was like…
Mesh: “yo cuz, mom just rang me, and told me that Nicholas is dead”
I laughed in surprise and said “what?… seriously… Nicholas died?”
Mesh: “yes cuzzie, I don’t even know how it happens, he was in the pen and they stabbed him up and killed him. He was left dead cuz… There were 20 people there and no one could help him….”
I stood up and his voice echoed out, I just faded back into my soul and said “someone killed my brother, cuz?”
Your mother ran out of the kitchen and looked at me and said “Baby, what? Who? What, are you alright”
I said to my cuzzie: “what cuz? What you telling me?”
Mesh: “all the mandem are saying that they wish they were around, this would’ve never have happened if we were around”…
Pharaoh, my son, you need to understand that… that, from the age, I turned my back on my father’s house, aged 15 I never felt emotions, real emotions, until I met your mother, at 22. At 22, I started to feel. 7 whole years, I just had a shell and I would just do… At 26, I broke down in front of her. She knew me as the strong silent type - like my father. We would have fun, were best of friends and shared a lot of the same interests but our mutual understanding was the grind. I never really displayed emotions, never displayed emotions to anyone, including her… but that night, I cried. I cried, I whaled… I put on a black hoody, black jeans, black sneakers and pulled the strings of the hoody down across my face. I slapped on a black cap and I was ready to ride…
She stopped me… your mother was blocking the door and she said: “I know what you’re about to do but don’t… Look at how far you’ve come… Look at this… *points* you can’t… Not tonight… and if you feel the same way tomorrow, I’m coming ends with you”.
I told her to “Move out of my way!”
She said: “No!” Blocking the door.
I dropped to my knees and I died…
That night… Your mother saved my life, and when you were born, all the mourning I felt for the 3 years that followed, instantly was made right.
I will tell you the rest of that particular story another time. It gets deep but I remember I curled onto the bed and she coupled me, and I cried, I cried, I cried. Since that day… I never used the H-word again, the word ‘Happy’ never came out of my mouth…
But I digress, I was giving an extra life, and if you’ve watched Ready Player One you would realise what I mean. I got the chance to play again but this time with a more intelligent mind. Son, I don’t sleep, I don’t sleep because I have this mission to complete. I have explored so many rooms, learned, and received game points but I have to keep levelling up until I meet to the point, where I am content that the player, that I am playing at, is 100% who I envision myself to be - me.
As you read these blogs, you will realise that everything I am doing is for you but everything that I doing for you, helps creates me. This world that I have created, of stuff and luxury, are only here for you. I am sacrificing my life, my friends and family, so you can choose your own game rules. This is what this means to me. My everything.
The life I live wasn’t designed for me. So I chose to design this life for you, to be more than what I could ever be, without the trauma, or drama, or feeling alone. I leave - and need - these blog posts for you, as cheat codes. But at the same time, just know that I will be setting every level you play - around me - at the hardest of modes. You will earn your manhood but learn it with discipline, and not in chaotic times like I had to learn it with me.
You will have your own demons to battle, losing your mother is one of them, but I will sharpen your claws and sword because the world is a cruel place. But your love, your love will conquer all.
Love dad x